Law & Order GCU
In the criminal justice system, guilty conscience based offenses are considered especially ignorable. In New York, the dedicated detectives who investigate these non felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Guilty Conscience Unit. These are their stories... Dun Dun.
Series Premiere
Detectives Peabody and Grabel investigate the GC incidents at the offices of Schuler and Davis that occured after Mr. Schuler brought three dozen donuts as a treat for the staff. Two primary offenders, Betty Alder and Deb Jones, have the worst case of guilty conscience the detectives have seen in months as donuts are not part of their current fab diet, I'm No Brick House; which is a diet where no solids are allowed.
Tantrums from Tiaras
This show chronicles the trials and tribulations of life after the pageant for five 30ish women who were at one time, regulars on the age 3-7 pageant circuit.
Premiere Episode
Little Daisy Duncan is all grown up and sincerely believes she deserves preferential treatment over others. Follow Daisy as she tries to start a clothing company for plus sized pets.
Diners, Dives and Dry Heaves
Welcome to the Behind the Scenes feature with outtakes from the popular show Diners, Dives and Drive Ins. This show features foods that didn't make it to the original DD&D because they were, for lack of a better word, grody. See Guy and crew fight back gutteral vomit vibrations and stanky food tears for 30 minutes every week starting September 2!!
Premiere Episode
Guy visits Backwoods BBQ, which is known for their BBQ ribs. Little did he know that the restaurant was sold to new owners two weeks ago. Although the menu hasn't changes, the ingredients sure have.
My Not So Strange Addiction
In the past few years, addiction shows have become increasingly popular. Also becoming increasingly popular are people believing they have strange additions that really are not strange and not addictions.
Series Premiere
Sally is addicted to eating 3 meals and 2 snacks a day.
Loretta is addicted to taking one shower a day unless she has been to the gym and then she will shower 2x a day!!
Joel is addicted to using fabric softener on his starchy pants.
Grab Your Balls
TVLand delivers another new sitcom about a football coach who never remembers to bring balls to games or practice.
Series Premiere
Charlie forgets his balls and the team flashes back to all the other times Coach has forgotten his balls
Sons of Sons of Anarchy
Follow both Jax and Opie's sons as they try to overcome the obstacles of being their father's sons.
Premiere Episode
Abel, Thomas and Opie's sons, known only as Slick and the Beard, take SamCro to a new level by allowing their 'old ladies' to vote on club interests. This in turn adds to them deciding to not allow women make any decisions regarding the club because well, that was just a bad idea.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
maybe TMI?
So as most everyone knows i could be seen as a db most days. I think if you have ever lived with me you would attest to that in a heartbeat.
The other night I got really sick... I could not stop throwing up and it was literally taking everything out of me. I could not control the ridiculously loud thundering noise that was coming from deep in my gut... but I somehow still seemed to make an ass of myself...
As my head was resting on the toilet seat I started weakly singing
"We don't need another hero
We don't need to know the way home
All we want is life beyond...
the Thunderpuke"
Lucky for everyone... there is life beyond the Thunderpuke.
So after I realized that Tina got me through that awful experience, I thought I should Thank her in the best possible way I could think of...
Ms. Turner,
You must understand
The stomach bug that I had
Made my gut react
No one held my hair
Be glad you weren't there
When I yacked
It was physical
Not at all logical
You can not ignore
This letter is for more than that
Oh E Oh What was wrong with my gastro tract, my gastro tract?
Your song helped through the sickness of motion
What was wrong with my gastro tract, my gastro tract
Your song was like an anti nausea potion
:)
The other night I got really sick... I could not stop throwing up and it was literally taking everything out of me. I could not control the ridiculously loud thundering noise that was coming from deep in my gut... but I somehow still seemed to make an ass of myself...
As my head was resting on the toilet seat I started weakly singing
"We don't need another hero
We don't need to know the way home
All we want is life beyond...
the Thunderpuke"
Lucky for everyone... there is life beyond the Thunderpuke.
So after I realized that Tina got me through that awful experience, I thought I should Thank her in the best possible way I could think of...
Ms. Turner,
You must understand
The stomach bug that I had
Made my gut react
No one held my hair
Be glad you weren't there
When I yacked
It was physical
Not at all logical
You can not ignore
This letter is for more than that
Oh E Oh What was wrong with my gastro tract, my gastro tract?
Your song helped through the sickness of motion
What was wrong with my gastro tract, my gastro tract
Your song was like an anti nausea potion
:)
Friday, December 2, 2011
Well played, Genie Bra, Well Played
First of all, let me apologize that it has been so long since I last blogged.
Alot of you know that I have trouble sleeping, but what you probably don't know is that I love watching infomercials,especially the ones with before and afters. I had seen the Genie Bra infomercial several times and as a frequent bra wearer, I was intrigued. I have never ordered anything from an infomercial and would like to say I never would, but I won't because I cannot make that promise.
I was Christmas shopping Wednesday and lo and behold, what do I see? The Genie Bra and I had a 5 dollar off a purchase of 15 dollar coupon! This was destiny! And it was a 2 pack!
I bought the Genie Bras and raced home (well i didn't race but I think it adds to the excitement of the story). I got home and tried the bra on....
When I think of the word Genie, the words magical and wishes come to mind. Let me tell you- this bra was magical!!! I do not know how one piece of clothing can both make your boobs squish directly into your armpits and appear cone shaped at the same time! If I were given 3 wishes at the time I put this bra on, they would be as follows:
1. Please do not make me have to knock my shoulder out of socket to get this bra off
2. Please let me make it through this experience to tell my tale
3. If I do make it, please let me have saved the receipt
Needless to say, I returned the bras and hopefully have learned my lesson.
Alot of you know that I have trouble sleeping, but what you probably don't know is that I love watching infomercials,especially the ones with before and afters. I had seen the Genie Bra infomercial several times and as a frequent bra wearer, I was intrigued. I have never ordered anything from an infomercial and would like to say I never would, but I won't because I cannot make that promise.
I was Christmas shopping Wednesday and lo and behold, what do I see? The Genie Bra and I had a 5 dollar off a purchase of 15 dollar coupon! This was destiny! And it was a 2 pack!
I bought the Genie Bras and raced home (well i didn't race but I think it adds to the excitement of the story). I got home and tried the bra on....
When I think of the word Genie, the words magical and wishes come to mind. Let me tell you- this bra was magical!!! I do not know how one piece of clothing can both make your boobs squish directly into your armpits and appear cone shaped at the same time! If I were given 3 wishes at the time I put this bra on, they would be as follows:
1. Please do not make me have to knock my shoulder out of socket to get this bra off
2. Please let me make it through this experience to tell my tale
3. If I do make it, please let me have saved the receipt
Needless to say, I returned the bras and hopefully have learned my lesson.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Cafeteria Rap Battle
Picture it - school cafeteria, the food has formed a circle and have started a classic rap battle..
this is how it went down.
Yo. I'm gonna start cause I think I'm the best
You other shit lunches cannot contest
I bring kids to the table at lunch
when they bite my gristle it goes crunch.
Everybody raise your hands for lunch break
Look at me son, I'm the Salisbury steak.
Nah Nah don't think you can win that easy,
I'm perfectly shaped and oh so cheesy.
The lunch tray is made specifically for me
Don't hate on me ya'll just let it be.
Everybody's in line, everybody's playing nice
Just for a chance at a rectangle pizza slice.
Hey now- it ain't over til I say it's done
People like me cause my name is fun.
I didn't show up to play no games
My breaded exterior can withstand flames.
Yeah you know my ass is braggin'
I got reason, I'm the dang Chuck wagon.
When it come to lunch, we're the Mercedes Benz
We're so good, you won't share with friends
There's never just one, we come in a gang.
We sidestep other foods like it ain't no thang.
We're so tasty that we're finger lickin'
That's right fool, we're nuggets made of chicken.
Wait a second, hooka stop talkin smack.
One bite of me is lunchtime crack.
You ask me if I think I have the goods?
I ask you does a bear shit in the woods?
You think you're better but I say no
Bump that noise, I'm the Sloppy Joe.
Move back ya'll and let me in this battle
Don't you worry, my nerves won't rattle.
I may come from home but that don't matter
that just keeps my wallet effing fatter.
I got the moves just like Gene Kelly
Step off fool, I'm Peanut Butter and Jelly.
I may look suspect but I keep you fed
That's what gives me awesome street cred.
I could be bologna, sausage or ham.
I don't think anyone really gives a damn.
Alls I know is I smell like feet
Check me out, I'm Mystery Meat.
Save the best for last is what I say.
Some wish I was served every damn day.
Although my sauce may be chunky
I still get down and get funky.
My pager going crazy from all these calls,
Say it player, I'm Spaghetti and Meatballs.
It was intense.
this is how it went down.
Yo. I'm gonna start cause I think I'm the best
You other shit lunches cannot contest
I bring kids to the table at lunch
when they bite my gristle it goes crunch.
Everybody raise your hands for lunch break
Look at me son, I'm the Salisbury steak.
Nah Nah don't think you can win that easy,
I'm perfectly shaped and oh so cheesy.
The lunch tray is made specifically for me
Don't hate on me ya'll just let it be.
Everybody's in line, everybody's playing nice
Just for a chance at a rectangle pizza slice.
Hey now- it ain't over til I say it's done
People like me cause my name is fun.
I didn't show up to play no games
My breaded exterior can withstand flames.
Yeah you know my ass is braggin'
I got reason, I'm the dang Chuck wagon.
When it come to lunch, we're the Mercedes Benz
We're so good, you won't share with friends
There's never just one, we come in a gang.
We sidestep other foods like it ain't no thang.
We're so tasty that we're finger lickin'
That's right fool, we're nuggets made of chicken.
Wait a second, hooka stop talkin smack.
One bite of me is lunchtime crack.
You ask me if I think I have the goods?
I ask you does a bear shit in the woods?
You think you're better but I say no
Bump that noise, I'm the Sloppy Joe.
Move back ya'll and let me in this battle
Don't you worry, my nerves won't rattle.
I may come from home but that don't matter
that just keeps my wallet effing fatter.
I got the moves just like Gene Kelly
Step off fool, I'm Peanut Butter and Jelly.
I may look suspect but I keep you fed
That's what gives me awesome street cred.
I could be bologna, sausage or ham.
I don't think anyone really gives a damn.
Alls I know is I smell like feet
Check me out, I'm Mystery Meat.
Save the best for last is what I say.
Some wish I was served every damn day.
Although my sauce may be chunky
I still get down and get funky.
My pager going crazy from all these calls,
Say it player, I'm Spaghetti and Meatballs.
It was intense.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
The Reveal
Here lately I had the feeling that my parents were keeping something from me, so when they sat me down for a serious talk, I got real nervous. Of course, mom opens the conversation.
"Ben, you are turning 18 in three days and it is time your father and I told you something"
I could tell that she was hesitant and didn't really want to be having this conversation. My mind immediately went to what I figured would be the worst thing they would want to talk about.
"Oh crapsticks, seriously? Is this the sex talk? No no no.. we do not need to have this talk."
Dad stood up and said "Son, this is more serious than that and we cannot put it off any longer. I guess I will start at the beginning. About 100 years ago, your great grandfather ticked off the wrong woman. I am not sure what he did but whatever it was, she didn't take kindly to it. Now this woman dabbled in magic and she put a curse on the males to come of our family. The curse begins on your 18th birthday. The good thing is that there are ways to end the curse but unfortunately we have been unsuccessful in our efforts, which is why we are telling you now."
I was really freaking out. "Dad, what's going on? You are worrying me."
He took his handkerchief and wiped his forehead and said "There is no easy way to say this, we are shifters."
"No way, like were-wolves? That's awesome!" I couldn't believe they were making this out to be so bad.
"No Ben. We are not were-wolves. We shift into something much different. It is still the same concept in that we shift on full moons and when our heartrate gets too high but we are definitely not were-wolves. We are were-taters."
I passed out.
"Ben, you are turning 18 in three days and it is time your father and I told you something"
I could tell that she was hesitant and didn't really want to be having this conversation. My mind immediately went to what I figured would be the worst thing they would want to talk about.
"Oh crapsticks, seriously? Is this the sex talk? No no no.. we do not need to have this talk."
Dad stood up and said "Son, this is more serious than that and we cannot put it off any longer. I guess I will start at the beginning. About 100 years ago, your great grandfather ticked off the wrong woman. I am not sure what he did but whatever it was, she didn't take kindly to it. Now this woman dabbled in magic and she put a curse on the males to come of our family. The curse begins on your 18th birthday. The good thing is that there are ways to end the curse but unfortunately we have been unsuccessful in our efforts, which is why we are telling you now."
I was really freaking out. "Dad, what's going on? You are worrying me."
He took his handkerchief and wiped his forehead and said "There is no easy way to say this, we are shifters."
"No way, like were-wolves? That's awesome!" I couldn't believe they were making this out to be so bad.
"No Ben. We are not were-wolves. We shift into something much different. It is still the same concept in that we shift on full moons and when our heartrate gets too high but we are definitely not were-wolves. We are were-taters."
I passed out.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
school learnin'
you know how there are moments that you never forget- I have a few from middle school- the one that I remember clear as day although it was never pointed out to me as being wrong- is that when I had to read outloud in Health class, I would pronounce the word "fatigue" as fat-i-goo. Yes I did. Now i flashback to that moment everytime I see or hear that word.
When we were taught to read, were we not taught to sound that shit out? How can something like that still make me feel like a moron?
Why wasn't there more emphasis on economics or whatever? Until this week, I couldn't fully understand why the government couldn't just print more money to get us out of debt. I still don't fully understand all of it but I was schooled by a fellow Bob Honker on why money can't just be printed so that was good.
Now I wonder why there were not classes on stuff like
Recovery in Social Situations - this would teach you how to recover and keep your dignity when caught doing something totally douchey in public. For example, being caught dancing/ air drumming at work, drooling on yourself at dinner, falling off the treadmill, etc. This is a class that I still need. I tend to make it worse by my reaction to the embarrassing thing I did.
Dancing in Public- more people need this class than not. I would like to speak more on the subject but I am one of the ones that needs the class. I and others need to realize that some dances are not timeless... the roger rabbit, choking the giraffe, cabbage patch... NOT TIMELESS. Although I love dance parties, I try to keep them at the house even though I dance so badly that there are times when I genuinely believe that I have scared Ruby. Dance parties break out often at my house, washing dishes, doing laundry, waiting on Ruby to come inside. Sometimes she joins, most of the time she looks at me like I am crazy. This is the same look she gives me when I slam out the air guitar.
Being a Grown Up - this class would include how to remember to change air filters, pay bills on time, how to grocery shop for actual meals- not just buying Bagel Bites and Pop-tarts for the week. I cannot remember to change my air filter to save my life.
What other classes? Hmmm need to think about that one....
When we were taught to read, were we not taught to sound that shit out? How can something like that still make me feel like a moron?
Why wasn't there more emphasis on economics or whatever? Until this week, I couldn't fully understand why the government couldn't just print more money to get us out of debt. I still don't fully understand all of it but I was schooled by a fellow Bob Honker on why money can't just be printed so that was good.
Now I wonder why there were not classes on stuff like
Recovery in Social Situations - this would teach you how to recover and keep your dignity when caught doing something totally douchey in public. For example, being caught dancing/ air drumming at work, drooling on yourself at dinner, falling off the treadmill, etc. This is a class that I still need. I tend to make it worse by my reaction to the embarrassing thing I did.
Dancing in Public- more people need this class than not. I would like to speak more on the subject but I am one of the ones that needs the class. I and others need to realize that some dances are not timeless... the roger rabbit, choking the giraffe, cabbage patch... NOT TIMELESS. Although I love dance parties, I try to keep them at the house even though I dance so badly that there are times when I genuinely believe that I have scared Ruby. Dance parties break out often at my house, washing dishes, doing laundry, waiting on Ruby to come inside. Sometimes she joins, most of the time she looks at me like I am crazy. This is the same look she gives me when I slam out the air guitar.
Being a Grown Up - this class would include how to remember to change air filters, pay bills on time, how to grocery shop for actual meals- not just buying Bagel Bites and Pop-tarts for the week. I cannot remember to change my air filter to save my life.
What other classes? Hmmm need to think about that one....
Covers
So I haven't done a music post in a while, so I figured I would do one and I am focusing on cover songs. By no means am I saying all of these songs are better than the originals, but some are- you be the judge..
Creep - Brandi Carlile- her voice is crazy, I can't get enough of it- She sings the SHIT out of this song. She also has a great cover of Hallelujah but my favorite cover of that song should be no surprise to anyone.
Hallelujah- Jeff Buckley- this song is probably one of the most covered songs out there... but Buckley added something to this song that no one has, as lame as it sounds,I feel his soul when I hear him sing.
My City of Ruins - Eddie Vedder- this man can sing....I have been a fan of his since middle school when i wore my Pearl Jam "Jeremy" shirt almost everyday to school. His cover of this song had to make Bruce Springsteen proud.
Addicted to Love - Florence and the Machine- I could listen to this girl sing just about anything. I think it is impressive when someone can take an otherwise cheesy song and make it awesome.
Green River - M. Ward - love this song
Midnight Rider and Buckets of Rain - The Wood Brothers- Buckets of Rain is one of my top 5 Dylan songs- these guys do it justice
Hey Ya - Obadiah Parker - I freaking love his version of this song- this song is on many different playlists on my ipod. He rocks it. I have had to take to not listening to this one in the car because I get lightheaded whilst singing it.
I'm on Fire - Kelly Dalton - mellow cover and again one of my faves
Forever Young - Audra Mae & the Forest Rangers. There have been quite a few covers of this song but this one is my favorite
Private Eyes- The Bird and the Bee - fun song, again not a song that I would normally listen to but I like their version
It's a Long Way to the Top- Lucinda Williams - she makes it sound so dirty :)
Creep - Brandi Carlile- her voice is crazy, I can't get enough of it- She sings the SHIT out of this song. She also has a great cover of Hallelujah but my favorite cover of that song should be no surprise to anyone.
Hallelujah- Jeff Buckley- this song is probably one of the most covered songs out there... but Buckley added something to this song that no one has, as lame as it sounds,I feel his soul when I hear him sing.
My City of Ruins - Eddie Vedder- this man can sing....I have been a fan of his since middle school when i wore my Pearl Jam "Jeremy" shirt almost everyday to school. His cover of this song had to make Bruce Springsteen proud.
Addicted to Love - Florence and the Machine- I could listen to this girl sing just about anything. I think it is impressive when someone can take an otherwise cheesy song and make it awesome.
Green River - M. Ward - love this song
Midnight Rider and Buckets of Rain - The Wood Brothers- Buckets of Rain is one of my top 5 Dylan songs- these guys do it justice
Hey Ya - Obadiah Parker - I freaking love his version of this song- this song is on many different playlists on my ipod. He rocks it. I have had to take to not listening to this one in the car because I get lightheaded whilst singing it.
I'm on Fire - Kelly Dalton - mellow cover and again one of my faves
Forever Young - Audra Mae & the Forest Rangers. There have been quite a few covers of this song but this one is my favorite
Private Eyes- The Bird and the Bee - fun song, again not a song that I would normally listen to but I like their version
It's a Long Way to the Top- Lucinda Williams - she makes it sound so dirty :)
Friday, July 1, 2011
Happy Birthday Mario!!! From Al and Ash
One, two, three and to the fo'
Moondust and Alice are howling at the do'
Ready to make and entrance so back on up
Cause you know we know you know what's up
Gimme the crack gum first so I can blow an effing bubble
Matias and B together now you know you in trouble
Ain't nothing but an age thing, baby
Today's our brother's birthday so we're crazy
Please understand and don't dare taze me
Untameable so please don't try to tame us
But back to the birthday at hand
37 is perfection so Ima let em understand
from a young O's perspective
Before we dish out some cake cause that's the objective
You never know he could be seeing your pic and stealing your pic and at the same time posting your pic
Now you know that movie's dvd quality
If he's sleepin at his desk just pretend you don't see
and you know he's more mellow than an Easter peep
His Birthday's gonna be the bleep bleep bleep
Well if it's good enough for Domo to take a chunk
We'll take a small piece of some of that funky stuff
It's like this and like that and like this and uh
It's like that and like this and like that and uh
It's like this and like that and like this and uh
Mario we hope your birthday's the shiz, son
Ain't nothin but an age thang baby
Moondust and Alice are howling at the do'
Ready to make and entrance so back on up
Cause you know we know you know what's up
Gimme the crack gum first so I can blow an effing bubble
Matias and B together now you know you in trouble
Ain't nothing but an age thing, baby
Today's our brother's birthday so we're crazy
Please understand and don't dare taze me
Untameable so please don't try to tame us
But back to the birthday at hand
37 is perfection so Ima let em understand
from a young O's perspective
Before we dish out some cake cause that's the objective
You never know he could be seeing your pic and stealing your pic and at the same time posting your pic
Now you know that movie's dvd quality
If he's sleepin at his desk just pretend you don't see
and you know he's more mellow than an Easter peep
His Birthday's gonna be the bleep bleep bleep
Well if it's good enough for Domo to take a chunk
We'll take a small piece of some of that funky stuff
It's like this and like that and like this and uh
It's like that and like this and like that and uh
It's like this and like that and like this and uh
Mario we hope your birthday's the shiz, son
Ain't nothin but an age thang baby
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Happy Birthday Binker!
June 10th is my best friend's birthday. Not many people can say they have known their best friend literally their whole life but I can. My sister is awesome and I thought I would take a few moments to let her know that.
We have had some damn good times. She is one of the only people who I can guarantee will not judge me, will always be there for me and who can always make me laugh. She encourages me to bust litterbugs :) and nuggets
We still get the giggles like we did when we were kids. Some people may think we are crazy but at least we have a good time!
Happy Birthday Allyson!
Since we weren't able to use the wedding vows I wrote, here is a birthday song for you
Come, they told me, parum pum pum pum,
A birthday girl to see, parum pum pum pum,
The bestest friend is she, parum pum pum pum,
She is so dag silly, parum pum pum pum,
Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum.
So to celebrate, parum pum pum pum,
We sing song.
Litterbug you're busted, parum pum pum pum,
Juan Corroda was rusted , parum pum pum pum,
I have no tiger to straddle, parum pum pum pum,
I get caught on horse's saddle, parum pum pum pum,
Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum.
Shall I play for you, parum pum pum pum (shall i)
On my air drum?
Binker is so awesome parum pum pum pum,
She loves the band train, parum pum pum pum,
Happy Bday Moondust, parum pum pum pum,
I hope it's the bee's knees, parum pum pum pum,
Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum.
You are still older than me, parum pum pum pum,
than me and my drum.
A birthday girl to see, parum pum pum pum,
The bestest friend is she, parum pum pum pum,
She is so dag silly, parum pum pum pum,
Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum.
So to celebrate, parum pum pum pum,
We sing song.
Litterbug you're busted, parum pum pum pum,
Juan Corroda was rusted , parum pum pum pum,
I have no tiger to straddle, parum pum pum pum,
I get caught on horse's saddle, parum pum pum pum,
Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum.
Shall I play for you, parum pum pum pum (shall i)
On my air drum?
Binker is so awesome parum pum pum pum,
She loves the band train, parum pum pum pum,
Happy Bday Moondust, parum pum pum pum,
I hope it's the bee's knees, parum pum pum pum,
Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum.
You are still older than me, parum pum pum pum,
than me and my drum.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Tuff Turf
so last night I dreamt that I was in a turf war... i woke with two main things in mind....
the first thing was that I do not do well with weapons... I am one of those people who will use anything as a weapon except for a weapon itself. I have been known to try to kill bugs with hair spray, glass cleaner and at the lakehouse I have even used sunscreen. My strategy is to immobilize the bug, then try to squish it with something else handy. I try my best not to kill ladybugs because for some reason I feel it is bad luck, but I also believe that if you swallow one, you will die so I cannot just leave one in my house. Don't know where I heard that, but I did hear it and I believe it. Deep down I don't think I believe that it would actually kill me, but I don't want to chance it. So if a ladybug happens to get in my house, I hunt the thing down until I can catch it and release it back into the "wild" This technique does not apply to any other bug that happens upon my house. I will spend 45 minutes if I have to, to kill a fly who has dared to fly in. The children's book, When the Fly Flew In- would read something like "When the fly flew in, he flew around only to meet the back end of last week's In Touch magazine" Back to the topic of weapons though, I think I would do much better hitting a person with a gun as opposed to shooting one. A few years back, I was shooting at simple targets with a bb gun and could not for the life of me hit anything. After much cursing, I realized I was closing my aiming eye instead of the other one. By no means am I saying I am a wuss. I will defend anything that is mine to defend but expect to be hit with a book, spatula or can of spray starch before I pull a true weapon. If nothing like that is handy, prepare for my fists, aka thunder and lightning. I have not been in many fights but those I have been in have been quite entertaining to say the least.
The second thing this dream brought to mind was at no point in my dream did I start walking with my gang whilst snapping my fingers in a downward motion. This is very upsetting to me. I would like to think that even in my subconscious I am aware of my amazing dancing ability. I would think that people would immediately appear at my sides with a nice little dance number to break up the violence. If I got to choose my "fight entrance" theme music, it would be the opening chords of The Final Countdown by Europe. Duh nuh nuh na duh nananuh Duh nuh nuh na Duh nananuh. Yeah that would be pretty awesome. Now I also think that depending on the setting, Fame by Irene Cara would be a good fight sequence song, because you ain't seen the best of me yet and also how intimidating would it be to hear REMEMBER MY NAME I'M GONNA LIVE FOREVER whilst going up against me in a dance fight?
the first thing was that I do not do well with weapons... I am one of those people who will use anything as a weapon except for a weapon itself. I have been known to try to kill bugs with hair spray, glass cleaner and at the lakehouse I have even used sunscreen. My strategy is to immobilize the bug, then try to squish it with something else handy. I try my best not to kill ladybugs because for some reason I feel it is bad luck, but I also believe that if you swallow one, you will die so I cannot just leave one in my house. Don't know where I heard that, but I did hear it and I believe it. Deep down I don't think I believe that it would actually kill me, but I don't want to chance it. So if a ladybug happens to get in my house, I hunt the thing down until I can catch it and release it back into the "wild" This technique does not apply to any other bug that happens upon my house. I will spend 45 minutes if I have to, to kill a fly who has dared to fly in. The children's book, When the Fly Flew In- would read something like "When the fly flew in, he flew around only to meet the back end of last week's In Touch magazine" Back to the topic of weapons though, I think I would do much better hitting a person with a gun as opposed to shooting one. A few years back, I was shooting at simple targets with a bb gun and could not for the life of me hit anything. After much cursing, I realized I was closing my aiming eye instead of the other one. By no means am I saying I am a wuss. I will defend anything that is mine to defend but expect to be hit with a book, spatula or can of spray starch before I pull a true weapon. If nothing like that is handy, prepare for my fists, aka thunder and lightning. I have not been in many fights but those I have been in have been quite entertaining to say the least.
The second thing this dream brought to mind was at no point in my dream did I start walking with my gang whilst snapping my fingers in a downward motion. This is very upsetting to me. I would like to think that even in my subconscious I am aware of my amazing dancing ability. I would think that people would immediately appear at my sides with a nice little dance number to break up the violence. If I got to choose my "fight entrance" theme music, it would be the opening chords of The Final Countdown by Europe. Duh nuh nuh na duh nananuh Duh nuh nuh na Duh nananuh. Yeah that would be pretty awesome. Now I also think that depending on the setting, Fame by Irene Cara would be a good fight sequence song, because you ain't seen the best of me yet and also how intimidating would it be to hear REMEMBER MY NAME I'M GONNA LIVE FOREVER whilst going up against me in a dance fight?
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
A Birthday Ditty for Sam- i think you know the tune
Yo SCK - let's kick it
All right stop collaborate and listen
Ashley's back with a brand new invention
Samantha's b-day is coming up real fast
and we all know it's gonna be a true blast
keep it down now cause the voices they carry
If its a long car ride keep me away from dairy
To the extreme I rock the chalk like colonel ludlow
Look at my pics and let's go find waldo
Waiter-can you split this tab three ways
It's only 3 bucks it don't matter who pays
Deadly when you eat that sushi roll
there's an Explosion in your mouth hole
Love it or leave it you better get with it
You better hit bull's eye the rara don't play
If there was a problem yo I'll solve it
Check out the hook while DJ Bud revolves it
hap hap happy birthday
Sam-antha
hap hap happy birthday
Sam-antha
hap hap happy birthday
Sam-antha
hap hap happy birthday
Sam-antha
Now that the party is jumping
Christopher Walken comes in and is ready to go huntin
Quick to the point to the point no faking
We're looking for treasure at the bottom of the lake'n
Squealing -if you ain't quick and ready
I may boop if i see a water yeti
Got a sombrero with souped water shoes
I'm on a roll and got 3 noodles to use
hap hap happy birthday
Sam-antha
hap hap happy birthday
Sam-antha
hap hap happy birthday
Sam-antha
hap hap happy birthday
Sam-antha
All right stop collaborate and listen
Ashley's back with a brand new invention
Samantha's b-day is coming up real fast
and we all know it's gonna be a true blast
keep it down now cause the voices they carry
If its a long car ride keep me away from dairy
To the extreme I rock the chalk like colonel ludlow
Look at my pics and let's go find waldo
Waiter-can you split this tab three ways
It's only 3 bucks it don't matter who pays
Deadly when you eat that sushi roll
there's an Explosion in your mouth hole
Love it or leave it you better get with it
You better hit bull's eye the rara don't play
If there was a problem yo I'll solve it
Check out the hook while DJ Bud revolves it
hap hap happy birthday
Sam-antha
hap hap happy birthday
Sam-antha
hap hap happy birthday
Sam-antha
hap hap happy birthday
Sam-antha
Now that the party is jumping
Christopher Walken comes in and is ready to go huntin
Quick to the point to the point no faking
We're looking for treasure at the bottom of the lake'n
Squealing -if you ain't quick and ready
I may boop if i see a water yeti
Got a sombrero with souped water shoes
I'm on a roll and got 3 noodles to use
hap hap happy birthday
Sam-antha
hap hap happy birthday
Sam-antha
hap hap happy birthday
Sam-antha
hap hap happy birthday
Sam-antha
Monday, May 16, 2011
When I Was Little
-I met a real life giant. I was in elementary school and a friend of the family took me over to his house. He lived in a trailer and was very very tall. I don't remember his name or anything else about him.
-I named all of my animals Blackie. I had rabbits and kittens named Blackie. I don't know if anyone really knows exactly how many Blackies we actually had.
-I was distraught when Wendy's got rid of their chicken nuggets. That was a dark time, but now that they are back, they are not even that good.
-I couldn't say the word animal. I said aminal.
-My sister and I had a fort and wait for it.... it was called WoodDreams.
-Allyson scarred me for life because we would have dress up dances in the den and I walked in and said "can I dance" and she said "I don't know, can you?" It cut me deep cause I could in fact dance.
-My first concert was Bon Jovi, the Slippery when Wet tour. Dad took me and Allyson and the guy sitting next to dad yelled Bad Medicine at the start of every song.
-I begged old ladies at the grocery store to buy me chocolate
-I guessed within like 10 skittles, how many skittles were in this jar at the school fair. I went all mathematical equation on the thing and won the jar of skittles. That was also the last time I was ever good at math.
-I choked on Tart n Tinys on the way home from school one day. It scared me, I got hot.
-There was a crooked house on the way to school that scared me....not the house so much as the crooked man that supposedly lived inside.
-I named all of my animals Blackie. I had rabbits and kittens named Blackie. I don't know if anyone really knows exactly how many Blackies we actually had.
-I was distraught when Wendy's got rid of their chicken nuggets. That was a dark time, but now that they are back, they are not even that good.
-I couldn't say the word animal. I said aminal.
-My sister and I had a fort and wait for it.... it was called WoodDreams.
-Allyson scarred me for life because we would have dress up dances in the den and I walked in and said "can I dance" and she said "I don't know, can you?" It cut me deep cause I could in fact dance.
-My first concert was Bon Jovi, the Slippery when Wet tour. Dad took me and Allyson and the guy sitting next to dad yelled Bad Medicine at the start of every song.
-I begged old ladies at the grocery store to buy me chocolate
-I guessed within like 10 skittles, how many skittles were in this jar at the school fair. I went all mathematical equation on the thing and won the jar of skittles. That was also the last time I was ever good at math.
-I choked on Tart n Tinys on the way home from school one day. It scared me, I got hot.
-There was a crooked house on the way to school that scared me....not the house so much as the crooked man that supposedly lived inside.
Friday, May 13, 2011
three words
there are three words I long to hear
these three words I do hold dear
i say them often and think them more
i've even heard them on the dancefloor
i cannot explain these words of three
and how i feel when they are said to me
for reasons unknown at this time
you have yet to even pantomime
it's amazing to hear them said aloud
whether said alone or in a crowd
to hold them in would be a lie
there is no need to feel shy
these words are so simple to say
i would never lead you astray
they make me smile and make me happy
i say them myself when i'm feeling crappy
just three words is all it takes
saying them would raise the stakes
we have known each other for a while
in my shoes you have walked a mile
you don't have to say them directly to me
spread the word, over coffee or tea
say them to anyone, where ever they're from
those three words..Ashley is awesome.
these three words I do hold dear
i say them often and think them more
i've even heard them on the dancefloor
i cannot explain these words of three
and how i feel when they are said to me
for reasons unknown at this time
you have yet to even pantomime
it's amazing to hear them said aloud
whether said alone or in a crowd
to hold them in would be a lie
there is no need to feel shy
these words are so simple to say
i would never lead you astray
they make me smile and make me happy
i say them myself when i'm feeling crappy
just three words is all it takes
saying them would raise the stakes
we have known each other for a while
in my shoes you have walked a mile
you don't have to say them directly to me
spread the word, over coffee or tea
say them to anyone, where ever they're from
those three words..Ashley is awesome.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
i believe
i can fly
i can touch the sky...
that now you are probably singing a little ditty from Space Jam
Seriously though I believe-
in wearing fun socks- I may have to "dress up" for work but I will wear Christmas socks year round
in honesty
in my friends and will support them no matter what
that if you are in love, you should be able to marry whomever you want
that the friends I have at this stage in my life are the best I have ever had
that the sound of my niece laughing may be the best sound I have ever heard
that my and Allyson's car dances should be televised
that chocolate does make my day better
that I can have PMS no matter what time of month it is, because basically isn't everyday PRE to something
that if you cut me off or will not let me over on the road that I have the right to question your very existence
that Rage Against the Machine can help me Rage Against the Machine if by machine you mean work
that if you sneak up on me I have every right to junk punch you
that my animals are/ were my children
in breakfast for dinner
that my family could not be any more awesome
that cube dancing is essential to my job performance and if I could I would put it in my review
that I can make any situation awkward
in writing and receiving letters - there is still a great feeling behind getting a letter/card in the mail
that unless you work in a nail salon there should be NO clipping fingernails at work
that the word hoss is awesome- hossome if you will
that a good t-shirt is still good even if it has several holes, as long as you use good judgement in regards to where you wear it
i can touch the sky...
that now you are probably singing a little ditty from Space Jam
Seriously though I believe-
in wearing fun socks- I may have to "dress up" for work but I will wear Christmas socks year round
in honesty
in my friends and will support them no matter what
that if you are in love, you should be able to marry whomever you want
that the friends I have at this stage in my life are the best I have ever had
that the sound of my niece laughing may be the best sound I have ever heard
that my and Allyson's car dances should be televised
that chocolate does make my day better
that I can have PMS no matter what time of month it is, because basically isn't everyday PRE to something
that if you cut me off or will not let me over on the road that I have the right to question your very existence
that Rage Against the Machine can help me Rage Against the Machine if by machine you mean work
that if you sneak up on me I have every right to junk punch you
that my animals are/ were my children
in breakfast for dinner
that my family could not be any more awesome
that cube dancing is essential to my job performance and if I could I would put it in my review
that I can make any situation awkward
in writing and receiving letters - there is still a great feeling behind getting a letter/card in the mail
that unless you work in a nail salon there should be NO clipping fingernails at work
that the word hoss is awesome- hossome if you will
that a good t-shirt is still good even if it has several holes, as long as you use good judgement in regards to where you wear it
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
it's the eye of the tiger
it is said that if you encounter a bear to remain still/passive or play dead. I do not think that I would be able to do anything of the sort. Let me encounter an animal who is deterred by a person going bat shit scared and then I should be fine.
My usual reaction to something scary is to scream like a little bitch. Unfortunately for me, this never happens when I am alone. The latest incident was a couple of weeks ago my parents were visiting and my dad and I were standing in the kitchen talking. I backed up against the garbage can and triggered the lid to open and seriously almost peed my pants. I let out my bitch shriek and spilled the water bowl I was holding all over the kitchen.
One of my favorite scares is when I had a mouse in the house and Allyson and I were picking up traps (after it had been caught). As stated in a previous blog, I never do anything half-assed so there were quite a few unused traps that had been set. We were picking up the unmoused traps and I was sure to let Al know that she needed to be careful so one didn't snap her. And yes, I used snap traps, not the humane ones. I MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE. So anyway, I put the traps in a garbage bag and of course one snapped.... this was not a little scream by any means.... I would be willing to place money that it at least lasted 7 seconds..which is a long time in scream terms. This of course let into one of my and Al's laughing fits where neither of us can breathe.
Last week when I came home at lunch I was frightened by a hawk with a broken wing in my yard... I gasped and wondered how in the heck I was going to get in the house when I realized it was a silkie puppy eating grass.
I also often get scared by my raincoat at work. I have to hang it on the side of my cube and I catch it out of the corner of my eye and think it is a person standing there...this is the time I let out what I call Yelling the Whispershits..which is exactly what it sounds like whisper yelling the word shit. it is not necessarily your inside voice but low enough that not too many people hear.
I also freak out when birds fly at the window.. so much so that I actually duck down. Birds are strong, people. I think they could break the window if they knew I was on the other side of it. Birds also freak me out in the parking lot. There are crows that sit on the light near where I park that have made me late to work because I have to wait on them to fly away. There is a reason that groups of crows are called MURDERS. Seriously.
My usual reaction to something scary is to scream like a little bitch. Unfortunately for me, this never happens when I am alone. The latest incident was a couple of weeks ago my parents were visiting and my dad and I were standing in the kitchen talking. I backed up against the garbage can and triggered the lid to open and seriously almost peed my pants. I let out my bitch shriek and spilled the water bowl I was holding all over the kitchen.
One of my favorite scares is when I had a mouse in the house and Allyson and I were picking up traps (after it had been caught). As stated in a previous blog, I never do anything half-assed so there were quite a few unused traps that had been set. We were picking up the unmoused traps and I was sure to let Al know that she needed to be careful so one didn't snap her. And yes, I used snap traps, not the humane ones. I MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE. So anyway, I put the traps in a garbage bag and of course one snapped.... this was not a little scream by any means.... I would be willing to place money that it at least lasted 7 seconds..which is a long time in scream terms. This of course let into one of my and Al's laughing fits where neither of us can breathe.
Last week when I came home at lunch I was frightened by a hawk with a broken wing in my yard... I gasped and wondered how in the heck I was going to get in the house when I realized it was a silkie puppy eating grass.
I also often get scared by my raincoat at work. I have to hang it on the side of my cube and I catch it out of the corner of my eye and think it is a person standing there...this is the time I let out what I call Yelling the Whispershits..which is exactly what it sounds like whisper yelling the word shit. it is not necessarily your inside voice but low enough that not too many people hear.
I also freak out when birds fly at the window.. so much so that I actually duck down. Birds are strong, people. I think they could break the window if they knew I was on the other side of it. Birds also freak me out in the parking lot. There are crows that sit on the light near where I park that have made me late to work because I have to wait on them to fly away. There is a reason that groups of crows are called MURDERS. Seriously.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Liberty and giggles for all
I am a little scared of horses. They are so dang big... and there was an incident involving Liberty, a horse from Next to Heaven Ranch in TN.
A few years back a group of friends and I went to Townsend, TN for a weekend. We were going to go tubing but it was a little chilly for that, so someone had the big idea to go horseback riding... and I will go ahead and be forthcoming in saying that the someone was me.
So we all get our horses and start this unguided trail ride- first off Liberty was pretty good.. until we got out of earshot of the ranch owners. Then he decided that he was not meant to be a trail horse. If he would have had hubs, I would have had to lock them in. At one point, we were in the woods and there was an actual tree in between my leg and the saddle. Meanwhile, I am freaking out and Pocket's horse was so far up Liberty's junk bucket that I thought we were going to have to get them a room. After what seemed like 5 hours, we start the descent and I have to actually pick leaves and twigs out of my hair. So we come up single file to the platform in which to dismount, I am so happy to get off this horse. Everybody is doing so good! My turn changes everything.... I go to dismount and the underwire of my bra gets caught on the saddlehorn, so I am literally hanging on this horse by my bra. Yes, my feet were dangling about 3 inches over the platform... and I am stuck. Just in case I wasn't already traumatized enough, the ranchhand sticks his hand up my shirt and frees me from the confines of the bra/saddlehorn combo.
A few years back a group of friends and I went to Townsend, TN for a weekend. We were going to go tubing but it was a little chilly for that, so someone had the big idea to go horseback riding... and I will go ahead and be forthcoming in saying that the someone was me.
So we all get our horses and start this unguided trail ride- first off Liberty was pretty good.. until we got out of earshot of the ranch owners. Then he decided that he was not meant to be a trail horse. If he would have had hubs, I would have had to lock them in. At one point, we were in the woods and there was an actual tree in between my leg and the saddle. Meanwhile, I am freaking out and Pocket's horse was so far up Liberty's junk bucket that I thought we were going to have to get them a room. After what seemed like 5 hours, we start the descent and I have to actually pick leaves and twigs out of my hair. So we come up single file to the platform in which to dismount, I am so happy to get off this horse. Everybody is doing so good! My turn changes everything.... I go to dismount and the underwire of my bra gets caught on the saddlehorn, so I am literally hanging on this horse by my bra. Yes, my feet were dangling about 3 inches over the platform... and I am stuck. Just in case I wasn't already traumatized enough, the ranchhand sticks his hand up my shirt and frees me from the confines of the bra/saddlehorn combo.
if you want to sing out, sing out
2 bands today -
Jamestown Revival- The Knives & Pipes So this group is hard to define by genre- so I am going to make up one Americana Blues. that may already exist and if so I apologize to those other Americana Blues bands... anywho, my favorite is "The Revival" with "Beat on Down" coming in a close second. I would say you are probably going to hear quite a bit from this duo, hopefully.
Matt the Electrician - this guy is awesome. My faves are the cover of "Faithfully" and "Got Your Back" His amazing voice and instrument combo are well worth a listen. He has a live album that was just released in January.
okay so for the old school part of this post- I am going to go with John Prine. I haven't heard a song I didn't like by him, his voice is clearly recognizable and his lyrics are great. As hard as it is to list my faves, I'm gonna try
Dear Abby
Let's Talk Dirty in Hawaiian
In Spite of Ourselves (duet with Iris DeMent)
Illegal Smile
I'd say at least one of his songs is in every playlist on my ipod.
Jamestown Revival- The Knives & Pipes So this group is hard to define by genre- so I am going to make up one Americana Blues. that may already exist and if so I apologize to those other Americana Blues bands... anywho, my favorite is "The Revival" with "Beat on Down" coming in a close second. I would say you are probably going to hear quite a bit from this duo, hopefully.
Matt the Electrician - this guy is awesome. My faves are the cover of "Faithfully" and "Got Your Back" His amazing voice and instrument combo are well worth a listen. He has a live album that was just released in January.
okay so for the old school part of this post- I am going to go with John Prine. I haven't heard a song I didn't like by him, his voice is clearly recognizable and his lyrics are great. As hard as it is to list my faves, I'm gonna try
Dear Abby
Let's Talk Dirty in Hawaiian
In Spite of Ourselves (duet with Iris DeMent)
Illegal Smile
I'd say at least one of his songs is in every playlist on my ipod.
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